u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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