I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
they're like a gay fantastic four
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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