i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
ok first of all what the fuck
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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