Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
