In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
