My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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