I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
