I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
