Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Randomize