I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
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I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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