Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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