My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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