Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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