went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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