hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Pants are for mortals
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
