I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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