Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
