3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
