I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
