I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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