I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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