Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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