The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
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He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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