How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
