shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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