walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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