if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
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Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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