They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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