I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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