Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
