Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
