By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
