So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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