saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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