I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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