Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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