I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
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Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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