i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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