The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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