There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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