This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Boobs speak an international language.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
