What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
