She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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