Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
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she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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