On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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