Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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