They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
