Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
