Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
