I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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