Please, let me fuck your mom
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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