why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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