I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
