I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
