Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
