Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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